Apparently, I missed National Daughters Day last week. So, I want to tell you a story about mine. I tell this story because I know some other special needs parents will nod their heads, I know they may want people in their lives who may not understand to see this part of their family’s story.

Violet is our oldest, she has two little brothers, one of whom has a disability. Recently, I was out to dinner with a group of elementary teachers. They were joking around about their own kindergarten-aged children, talking about how self-centered they are at that age.

I looked at my friend and said, “I don’t think Violet was like that last year?” Wondering if maybe I missed something and she’d correct me.

Instead, she agreed and said, “That’s because Violet’s life is different.”

And you know what? It is.

I thought the difference would be more noticeable when she was younger when she had to go to her brother’s many doctor and therapy appointments. But I think it’s even more apparent now because she understands the why behind it all.

We went to a jump place recently and the first thing her brother did was dump out a packet of wristbands on the counter. She said, “Sorry, he has Down syndrome.”

I started to correct her and stopped. I just laughed instead. Because it’s true and she understands what it now means. She gets that her brother does things sometimes that just don’t make sense to others, she gets that he has to work harder, she gets that he requires extra patience from us and from her.

She’s still a kid. She wants what all kids want- as much fun as possible. But I think she maybe didn’t go through that self-centered phase my teacher friends talked about because she’s understood from a young age that her brother just oftentimes requires more.

I don’t feel guilty over this like I thought I would. We try to fill in the gaps with dates and late-night games with just her the best we can. But really, I think siblings of kids with special needs are at an advantage. They learn what we all inevitably come to know one day- life doesn’t revolve around us and our desires. Sometimes life is disappointing, sometimes it’s bumpy, sometimes we have to make the best of the ride we find ourselves on.

In a time where parents are being criticized for making their kid’s lives too easy, for not teaching them resilience, we simply don’t have this luxury. And perhaps our kids are not worst off but instead better for it. We don’t always get to choose the things that define us, but sometimes the ones we don’t choose end up defining us in the most profound ways.

I think special needs siblings know empathy and patience from an early age. They see difference and are agents of acceptance. They know that love is a verb and they love well.

And that’s not something to be pitied but to be celebrated.